Many have recently asked, “Brian, what is the Lord calling you to do in this upcoming season?”
Honestly, I don’t know.
I’m in the midst of a significant transition. I sold Burning Lamp Media & Publishing last December after laboring for four years in the publishing industry. Prior to that I spent five years as a consultant in leadership development while also travelling as an itinerant prophetic minister. I loved travelling as a revivalist. Ministering the heart of Jesus to others through preaching and prophetic ministry has always been the dream within my heart. When my wife was pregnant with our second daughter in 2010, I stopped travelling in order to better serve my family.
Yet for the past few years, I’ve felt a deep, gnawing unsettling within as it pertained to where I was in life.
Prior to turning forty back in November, the Lord instructed me to fast forty days. There were sparse moments of God’s nearness sprinkled within forty days of drudgery. At one point I hit rock bottom. Despair overwhelmed me. I couldn’t reconcile where I was in life (as I approached forty) to where I previously envisioned myself at this stage in life. From my perspective, I failed miserably. It was a dark night of the soul.
Internally I seethed with anger. My boiling point became a breaking point.
I cried out to the Lord from a place of deep brokenness for the grace to surrender all to Him—my dreams, the selfish ambitions that drove me to succeed, and the need to be significant in the eyes of others. The Lord graciously pressed His finger on these idols within my heart. Finally, I surrendered.
At the end of the fast, something shifted. And I haven’t been the same since then.
I’m absolutely content in Christ alone. Philippians 3:10 is what I seek: that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.
And I have NO CLUE what the future holds. Honestly, I’m perfectly at peace in such a place.
Initially I thought the Lord was releasing me back into itinerant ministry. Instead I believe I’m to serve Him through intercession, prophetic ministry, and writing. This is all done in private and not from the pulpit. By God’s grace, I want to be emptied of myself so that I can minister with an unadulterated heart. I don’t want to use ministry to stroke the unflinching ego for self-exaltation.
I am utterly desperate for the Lord to continue a deep, deep work in me. We’re commanded in Matthew 3:8 “to bear fruit in keeping with repentance.” That means if we’re struggling with lust, we repent until we bear the fruit of purity in our lives. Likewise, for me I believe He’s removing pulpit ministry to people until I learn to delight in Him in the place of private ministry to Him (and to those whom He directs to me).
Will I minister again publicly? I don’t know. Either way, I’m content in Him. If He does release me, it’ll be with a blazing, unadulterated heart. Ministry will not be my mistress. At this juncture I will wait on Him “until [I am] clothed with power from on high” (Luke 24:49).
That’s my story at this moment.
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